Gear 1 Quote List (Nov 2004 - Sept 2005)

Below you will find a list of the most commonly used, or all-time favorite phrases throughout the RPM Lawson project. (Note: some may be paraphrased when the exact quote cannot be recalled)

• You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig. – Dave Hesson (2004)
• That’s the Clarian way. – RPM Lawson project team
• What’s the hurry? – Jason Locke - in reference to CRP scheduled in January for an August go-live date
• I, spider. – LBT, translation: I know what you want me to do, but I choose to do something else; often followed by heh-heh-heh; see Spider in the Lawson Project Dictionary.
• What jobs are you referring to? – Jason Locke – asked after several meetings to discuss the upgrade jobs that would be run by the users
• …Izzy, you stupid shit... – Izzy Rivas to Sue Williams/Pam Clark
• It will be 10 pages. – Izzy Rivas – directive regarding the Power Point presentation to the Operations group
• That’s going to cost you a quarter/That’s a quarter. – LBT
• I’m building a bridge to Hawaii out of Legos. – Dan Joseph, when asked how things were going while he watched a Lawson tech control his computer and the Clarian servers during a test upgrade
• I’ll just clean my house this weekend. – Kathy Cook
• And parking spaces at church are empty most of the time. – Brian Hetz – reference to use of training rooms at Clarian
• Bite me. – LBT – the only appropriate, but unspoken, response to any comment or question in most meetings
• Izzy Schmizzy. – Brian Hetz
• That dog don’t hunt. – Dave Hesson – no one knows what it means
• It’s Pattie’s way or the wrong way. – Cheri – when describing options as presented by Pattie when it comes to documentation and training
• I didn’t understand it worked that way until this conversation. – Cap HR/Payroll functional analyst -- in reference to payroll tables, after 3rd time of having “this conversation.”
• Change is bad. – Cheri Thomas
• That’s going in the dictionary. – LBT
• Did we tell you to leave your brain at the door? – ESC to Ciber
• How fascinating! – Project Team – appropriate response when faced with mistakes, problems, errors, or normal Clarian dysfunction
• Is that a synonym for dumb ass? – Brian Hetz
• I’m not even letting them rent space in my head today. – Michelle Sanders – after being copied on e-mail sent to someone else to confirm what Michelle had just told the sender.
• My new goal for this project is to never have an entry in these documents! – Mike LaCosse (see Voo Doo Doctor in the Lawson Project Dictionary) – commenting on his desire to avoid having namesake entries in either the Lawson Project Dictionary or Lawson Project Quotes list. Sorry ‘bout your luck, Mike! J (5/10/05)
• …blah, blah, blah, blah, simplicity, blah, blah, blah… – Dean Hagar – describing Landmark in opening remarks at Lawson CUE; see entry in the Lawson Project Dictionary for revised RPM Lawson meaning (5/16/05)
• Git ‘er done! – Tom Heldt (5/16/05)
• You need a long hug. – Robin Morgan, to Pattie (5/16/05)
• Brian comma as project manager comma… (may also be shortened to Brian comma)– Project Team; started in an e-mail, but quickly adopted by members of the core team; crucial part of the quote is to say “comma” (5/18/05)
• It feels like we’re going to the big dance with our pants down – Brian Hetz; in reference to lack of knowledge and comfort with the Matching system (5/20/05)
• …now get back to work! – Brian Hetz; when thanking the project team for PM Appreciation Day (6/14/05)
• Bob Slaney lies. – everyone who knows him (except Tom Heldt)
• That’s my spinach – core team; in reference to a task so completely undesirable and disgusting that you either have to just close your eyes, force it down and try to swallow without gagging, or be bribed (with chocolate, for example) into getting through it…
• Live above the line! – Michelle Sanders and Pam Clark; post-Covey
• It will be fine. – Cheri Thomas
• I brought some bottled water. – CIBER consultants; most commonly heard on hotel checkout day when they bring in all the free water left in their rooms.
• I don’t see what that gets us. – Brian Hetz, in reference to moving project dates so they did not conflict with payroll processing week.
• Jimmy cracked corn… – Michelle Sanders; fill in the blanks…
• It’s all good. – Core Team, translation: “It’s all bad, but Jimmy cracked corn.”
• It’s a prime number! – Pattie Erpenbach
• Robin: Are we stressing yet? Tina Wenstrom: Not too bad, but sometimes my head hurts. (7/19/05)
• Sucks to be you ‘bout now. – Pam Clark
• Sorry ‘bout your luck! – Pam started it, but it’s spread
• Yeah, it’s no big deal. – Jill Bennett, in response to whether or not HRIS could key 200 additional hires during the week before North comes up on its own HR company (7/25/06)
• I'd rather eat a whole case of baby food spinach than load this patch. – Pam Clark, in response to possibly installing a patch in chlawstg at the end of July that impacted nearly every AP, MA, PO, and RQ screen, along with many in GL, IF, WH, OE, etc…(7/26/06)
• Let me be clear… - Izzy Rivas; a warning that whatever is about to follow will not be clear
• And when I say “we” I mean you… - Core team
• This feels like a surprise. – Rich Johnson, in response to the news that we might need to modify the upgrade programs, and actually pay someone to do that work – after Ciber had listed this concern in their status reports for months, and after several ESC conversations about this topic
• Q: Knock, knock. A: Who’s there? Q: Control Freak – now you say ‘Control Freak who?’! – Pattie Erpenbach, who shared it with some of the core team because it made her think of them; she was confused when someone replied with “Why do you think you were told the joke in the first place?” (07/27/05)
• So everyone’s a purple squirrel. – Greg Finch, in explanation of the uniqueness of Lawson user setup
• It’s supportive, not punitive. – Pam Clark, referring to Clarian’s new no smoking policy
• Do you suppose she even put her crack pipe down long enough to compose that e-mail? – Brian Hetz, referring to Cara Breidster’s comments on August 17 that a service pack needed to be loaded to Kronos (after fixing the Kronos test environment, and testing the service pack there) prior to the 8.1 cut-over (08/18/05)
• I don’t want to be the wedding planner for five days – Brian Hetz; in reference to coordinating food deliveries/orders during cut-over (08/24/05)
• It is a privilege to work here at Clarian where they take this responsibility seriously. – A disgruntled employee, responding in dismay to the reckless disregard for employee safety, as exhibited by the presence of latex balloons in the Pagoda, caught on film and displayed on the front page of the Clarian (08/29/05)
• Source is the source and I’m not copying the source. – Dan Joseph, when trying to explain the use of various product lines; we aren’t really sure what he meant, but he was very serious when he said it, so it must be important (08/29/05)
• How's never? Does never work for everyone? Because that works best for me. Oh wait – I'm busy never, so let's make it the week after never. – Pam Clark, demonstrating the appropriate response to any question relating to when someone from the project can complete any non-critical task, rearrange a schedule based on any Smart Treat’s calendar, or attend any QIII meeting (08/29/05)
• You won’t be alone for long. I’m sure there will be someone right there to push up your stool. – Brian Hetz, in response to Jason saying, “I’m just going to go hang out at Ollie’s alone.” (08/31/05)
• Yeah, I got that. Now I’m just letting her talk. – Brian Hetz, commenting on a point that Pam Clark was trying to make (08/31/05)
• Bite that. – Miffy, in response to the functional staff leaving data validation in the hands of I.T. staff (cut-over weekend)
• Vroom vroom vroom – Jill Bennett, and it’s a Saab (cut-over weekend)
• I’m going to make the world my guinea pigs. – Elizabeth Rich, master of the security domain (cut-over weekend)
• The fries are critical. – Chick-Fil-A manager (cut-over weekend)
• Is that the pretty Tom? – Sara Rasmussen, referring to Cute Tom (cut-over weekend)
• I’m trying to run some stuff to look at some stuff. – Jill Bennett (cut-over weekend)
• What you’ve done here is almost exceptional. – Izzy, congratulating the team on a job ~almost~ well done (cut-over weekend)
• Well of course I am working, what else would I do? – Ruby Barrow, on Labor Day (cut-over weekend)
• No go with 5 O! – Brian Hetz, upon learning from Phil Canada that “a few hundred” computers at Clarian are still on IE 5.0 (Phil being one of them, who also did not have admin rights to his PC) (09/06/05)
• She has time now! – Elizabeth Rich, commenting on a user who complained she didn’t have time to take the RSS CBT and now didn’t know how to use the system, so couldn’t do her job (09/06/05)
• I’m Mike. These are the women. – Mike LaCosse, practicing the introduction of his roadies/groupies (Elizabeth & Cheri) as he traveled from client to client (09/06/05)
• Elizabeth: What am I looking for?; Mike (Voo Doo): If it’s mustard, I can help you, said while gleefully clutching a fistful of individual mustard packets (09/06/05)
• Oh my God, I like totally LOVE koala bears! – congratulatory e-card (09/07/05)
• There should be a quiz. – Cheri Thomas, referring to the skill of people who think they should be the payroll manager but don’t know that FLSA laws don’t apply to people who aren’t employees (09/06/05)
• What’s today? – Core Team (post-cut-over week)
• I’d rather be a dingbat than a rat. – Brian Hetz, responding to complaints that omitting the name of a problem but describing it anyway is not the same as not telling anyone about it (09/08/05)
• Oh you little sucky secret-keeper! – Cheri Thomas, to Jason Locke upon learning that he already knew something that she tried to tell him about and hadn’t shared it (09/08/05)
• I don’t care about the add-ins anymore. I’m just going to key all my data in my spare time. – Jason Locke, in response to renewed issues with the Lawson Add-Ins where alternate versions work on alternate days (09/21/05)
• I think it is time to start the party in the deep end. – Sue Williams, responding to Add-Ins woe-ing and Jason’s new data-keying hobby (09/21/05)
• Run, Miffy, run! – LBT and other members of the core team, after Miffy had escaped, but kept coming back for more abuse

Gear 1 Dictionary (Nov 2004 - Sept 2005)

Here's the original dictionary that some of us thought was lost. Started from frustration and bitterness and a need to laugh at the people who made us that way...enjoy!

Listed below you will find terms commonly heard in association with the Lawson system and particularly the Lawson never-gonna-happen upgrade project. Use this handy reference when trying to determine the meaning of words used by members of the Lawson team. This list will change and grow often, as the Luser vocabulary is constantly expanding as we seek new ways to explain the world in which we work.

• Alexander – the name used to describe someone who could share the Dumas surname, as long as the pronunciation is different
• AWSR – alphabet soup for Awesome Woman Speed Racer (04/08/05)
• Awesome Woman – term for woman when describing incredible accomplishments, no matter how big or small (04/08/05)
• Banished One – team member who is banished from the presence of others based on facial expressions made during meetings (03/24/05)
• Beautimus – a Taunie word, we think it means “Beautiful” (09/06/05)
• Beer Girls – the Change Management team – Robin, Pam, and Pattie, known to cart punch, cookies, and Change Championship throughout all of Clarian (07/01/05)
• Blah, blah, blah, blah, simplicity, blah, blah, blah – translation for anything with words over another person’s head or below their interest level – as in the case of a user hearing technical terminology or an executive hearing detailed project info; note – “simplicity” can be substituted by any simple word contained in the statement that one might latch onto because he or she actually understands it (05/16/05)
• Bodacious Brian – Brian Hetz, of course! (05/16/05)
• Boomer – executive who takes pleasure in randomly knocking you down as you try to accomplish a task and win a prize (03/10/05)
• Chuck – a question that is stupid, has already been asked and answered, or to which the one asking should know the answer; also, a person who asks such questions
• CIBER Danette – Jen Zody, Ciber’s Dan (cut-over weekend)
• CIBERians – CIBER consultants; see also Cyborgs (04/01/05)
• Clarianize – to take a process, system, or person that is in fine working condition and twist, mangle, and abuse it to the point of complete dysfunction with the intent of continued or (usually) improved functionality
• CMFL – Cambodian Midget Fighting League; or any group of people who are ill-equipped to do battle and still believe that they can win a fight against an opponent that is stronger, faster, and more prepared; examples: 42 midgets vs. 1 adult lion; Lawson Project Team vs. ESC (05/18/05)
• Consultant – may or may not know a great deal about Lawson but advice will be believed by Executives, especially if it conflicts with advice from SuperLUSERs
• Corrected in the next version – system is broken, Lawson is aware but since you haven’t upgraded in 10 years, they don’t have any sympathy for you
• Cube of Doom – cubicle that causes resident to become so frustrated with Clarian that he or she is willing to serve notice of resignation with no other current employment option (05/10/05)
• Cute Tom – (as opposed to some other Tom) Tom Heldt, ‘nuff said (05/10/05)
• Cyborgs – Ciber consultants; see also Ciberians (04/01/05)
• DOD – Den of the Damned, the home of the Lawson Business Team
• Dora – Spanish-speaking girl explorer, alias of Michele Berroth (formerly known as Maisy) (07/14/05)
• Ellen Margaret’s Rule – the rule is that everyone wants three things: cheap, good, and fast; you can have two of the three (from Dave Hesson); applies to other areas: during July and August, you need to eat, breathe, and sleep – you can have two of the three (07/19/05)
• Enterprise Automation, Tracking & Management Excellence – project name most desired by SuperLUSERs after HEAL was rejected by the executives
• End LUSER – Lawson end user; see also Luser
• Emergency Room (ER) – the other project room, since so many project team members have visited or nearly visited
• Executive – does not know a great deal about Lawson, likes to ask for input from SuperLUSERs but may not understand or follow their advice
• Frippy – general nonspecific adjective or exclamation used to answer any number of questions such as:
  · How are you today? I’m feeling a little frippy right now.
  · Wow, I got my expense check already. That is so frippy!
  · How’s the project going? Just frippy.
  · When are we ever going to start this fripping project?! (11/01/04)
• Hardening – what happens to an employee when they are given more work than their central nervous system can handle (Dilbert) (03/24/05)
• HEAL – project name that certain people apparently cannot say without snickering
• Horny Monkey – drink that made several CUE attendees happy; nickname of Robin Morgan and Elizabeth Rich
• Hover – the act of standing at a short cube wall, expectantly watching the cube resident while he/she pretends not to see you (11/09/04)
• I, spider – translation: I know what you want me to do, but I choose to do something else; often followed by heh-heh-heh; see also Spider
• In my free time – another way to say that the task being referenced will never be done (12/13/04)
• In your free time– translation: drop everything else you are doing right now so you can do something for me (12/13/04)
• Insanity – job requirement for executive-level positions
• Insights – generic term for everything; same as Marclar (11/01/04)
• James – Pagoda pet; origin of the spider story; see also Special Appendix: The Spider Story (07/21/05)
• KMA Cake – Miffy’s farewell (aka kiss-my-ass) cake, which she promised to make herself (cut-over weekend)
• Knock, knock – a subtle way to call someone a control freak; see LawsonProjectQuotes.doc for full quote (07/27/05)
• Lawson Excrement Team – nickname given to the Lawson project team by an anonymous Capgemini staff member
• LID Luser – Lawson LID user; see also Luser
• Locke-ness Monster – Brian’s alias for Jason Locke
• Lucy – a person (usually executive) who holds the proverbial football only to snatch it away while you are in mid-kick, causing you to fall flat on your back (03/10/05)
• Luser – Lawson user; see also End Luser, LID Luser, Super Luser, Web Luser
• Noop – contraction of No and Poop, according to Brian
• MD – code for “Must Die”, placed after someone’s initials, it becomes a code to symbolize a person who has become such a Smart Treat that their existence can no longer be tolerated (example: MKMD). If the intolerable person persists in existing, the four-letter code can become a mantra for those forced to endure them. In cases where the person in question is particularly offensive, a second code, “aMD” may be added to represent “a Major Dumb-ass” (example: MKaMDMD)
• Materials Moment – a temporary state of indecisiveness wherein the victim cannot make even the simplest of decisions (7/6/05)
• Michele or Michelle – a name so pervasive on the project team that those holding it were renamed; see Dora, Miffy, and Shauna (07/14/05)
• Miffy – a smart little bunny; alias of Michelle Sanders (07/14/05)
• Mr. 5.Oh – An Executive in an IT area (with the word Innovations in its name) who is still running Internet Explorer 5.0 and does not have Admin rights to his machine
• MOOOOVE! – a command given to user by IT (or anyone more techie than the user in question) after all previous attempts to allow the user to help themselves have failed; at this point the more techie person takes over and does the task for them. The more simple the task (such as logging in to the network), the louder and longer the word is stretched, and is often accompanied by a loud sigh and eye roll (11/01/04)
• Moved on to better opportunities – fired
• Pagoda – name of the Lawson project room, Wile Hall 220
• Pattie-Anna – anyone who is focusing on the positive and choosing to ignore the negative, even to the point of annoying others; may also be changed to any name followed by Anna (such as Cheri-Anna, Brian-Anna, etc.); derived from Pollyanna, inspired by Pattie Erpenbach (04/08/05)
• Pattie-ize – to make a script or other document conform to standards in order to ensure consistency and ease of conversion into training material; “to make better” – Pattie Erpenbach (03/30/05)
• Philodox – Someone who loves his or her own opinion (see also: Executive and/or Consultant)
• The Powerful One – the most powerful person in a training class – the trainer; sometimes you have to make people close windows or move chairs to make this point (07/18/05)
• Purple squirrel – a user with a unique issue or setup
• QOD – dual meaning, Queen of the Damned (leader of the DOD) or Queen of Diplomacy (able to speak and still smile during Insights meetings)
• RPM Lawson – project name – Revolutionizing Performance by Mastering Lawson; also: Ruining Pam’s Mind with Lawson; Run Project Manager from Lawson; Really Poor Management of Lawson (11/17/04)
• SOB – Start of Business; no, not what you were thinking!
• Schadenfreude (SHAAD-n-froi-duh) – Pleasure derived from others' misfortunes (12/28/04)
• Separation anxiety – the state of high agitation that is felt by certain executives when an employee tries to sever his or her bond with Clarian; this is often accompanied by a period of denial if the employee persists in pursuing attempts to flee
• Shauna – from Ferris Bueller – “My name’s Jeannie, but my friends call me Shauna”; alias of Michele Tharp (07/14/05)
• Smart – stupid; see also Smart Treat (11/01/04)
• Smart Treat – a person, place, process, or event that is both stupid and a pain in the a$$; see also Smart and Treat (11/04/04)
• Spider – word to describe acts or statements that are devious or rebellious in nature, or the person responsible for the devious or rebellious act or statement; see also I, spider (11/09/04)
• Straight-up-standard – Pattie’s A+ method of training delivery
• Stupidshit – term to use when speaking to an executive when telling him that he is going down the wrong path (10/29/04)
• Super LUSER – person who has become very good at being a LUSER and is worth $40.50/hr regardless of what he or she is actually being paid; see also Luser
• Tallyho! – used by Brian Hetz to indicate agreement or energy to move forward; in other words…Now get back to work!
• Treat – term used to describe a person, place, process, or event that is a special pain to encounter or work with; as in “The Atlanta airport is such a treat.” Or “The Executive Steering Committee meeting is just a treat to attend!”; see also Smart Treat
• Undocumented feature – Lawson didn’t know it worked that way either
• Verklempt – word that Jason hates and refuses to ever use
• Voo-Doo Doctor – Mike LaCosse, the one and only; so dubbed for his mystical work with upgrade programs (5/10/05)
• WEB – What Ever Brian
• Web LUSER – Lawson web user; see also Luser
• WED – (pronunciation: weed) What Ever Dennis – frequently uttered in the DOD
• WIOI (pronunciation: we-o-ee or why-o-why)– Whatever, I’m Over It – the response frequently heard from SuperLUSERs when asked for opinions or ideas that they know will not be valued
• Wedding Planner – alternate description for the project manager, Brian Hetz (08/24/05)
• White text – words typed in e-mail in white so they are invisible to the recipient
• Woe – state of despair felt when one is expected to both perform the functions of ones job and participate in the Lawson project and realizes that not equipped to handle both due to inadequate sanity level/mental capacity/qualified staff/etc.; see also woe-ing (11/09/04)
• Woe-ing – The act of verbally expressing a state of woe (11/09/04)
• Wondermus – a Taunie word; we think it means “wonderful;” see also Beautimus (09/06/05)
• WOO – Waste Of Oxygen
• Wood grain – as in “Hey, look at that wood grain!” – a great way to abruptly change the topic of a conversation
• Working as designed – system is broken, Lawson is aware but will not admit it

Special Appendix: The Spider Story

When teaching the first day of Sunday school with kindergarteners, first graders, and one pre-schooler, the teacher asked the students to draw pictures of themselves to hang on the wall. All of the children worked diligently on their pictures except for James, the pre-schooler. His paper was covered with a big scribble with lines coming off in every direction. When the teacher asked him what it was, James replied, “I spider. Heh heh heh!” The teacher told James that was very nice, now turn the paper to the other side and this time draw a picture of himself to hang on the wall.

The teacher moved to help another student; when she looked up, there was another scribble with lots of lines on James’ paper, but this time in a different colored crayon. When the teacher asked James what he had drawn this time, she receive the same reply, “I spider. Heh heh heh!” The teacher could tell that James knew what was being asked of him, but was determined to do something different. Looking at his spider picture, the teacher took it and said, “Okay, James, we’ll hang that up here on the wall with the other pictures. You’ll be my little spider.” From then on, the term “spider” came to represent an action or a person who was slightly rebellious in nature.