Just some quotes I found laying around...July wrap-up

I sure do. I now only have one person to learn my cynical thoughts from (Taunie). I use to have a whole team. - Jason L., answering a question about missing former LBT members

We’re still here for you Jason—virtually! We should start a website: http://www.virtualcynicsm.com/! It’s like a support group, only maybe in reverse. - Pam, in response to Jason, above (and http://www.virtualcynicsm.com/ is currently available!)

No one should listen to him, he’s just someone on the Executive Steering Committee. - Pattie E., explaining some stupid remark by Dave H.

I’m sucking, not blowing. - Dan Puett, Project Director at State of New Hampshire. Claims he was referring to the lobster he was eating.

Think Wicked Witch with a pink headband. And slightly less green skin. - Cheri, describing to Taunie who Debra E. is

But only slightly. - Elizabeth, same conversation

Oh please; did Dorothy go to hell for killing both the wicked witches of the east and west? No! She got her own book, movie, and broadway show! Not to mention some really flashy shoes. - Pam, making Taunie feel better after the person she had wished into the cornfield was involved in a (minor) car accident

This is one of those 'drink-your-lunch' kind of days. - Cheri, after dealing with the umpteenth frantic phone call of the day, at 10am

It’s not like a procedure – it’s just a task. - Trish, a client's director of Account Management, explaining why she may or may not remember to do what someone had just asked

When you sleep in the same bed as the baker who butters your rolls, you're probably having sex. And sex here represents money changing hands. - Janine

...And I wouldn't say that to anyone but my wife. -Steve R., after complimenting a woman on her appearance

People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well neither does bathing – that's why we recommend it daily. - Zig Ziglar

A New Month - A New Quote

Our new go-live date is the 1st of Never. How does that work for you?
- Frustrated client PM to Consultant

The Swan and the Chickens, a fairy tale

Based on a story told to me by Janine...

Once upon a time, there was a Swan who came to realize that, as much as some of the other animals enjoyed it, the pond where she spent her time was no longer as beautiful and peaceful to her as it once had been. She shared the pond with many different kinds of animals, but there was one in particular of whom she had grown tired: the Chicken. The Chicken liked to cluck around the edge of the water where the Swan swam and make a lot of noise about unimportant things. She liked to peck at some of the animals at the pond, including the Swan, to keep them in the areas she had determined to be theirs, while to others she gave presents and allowed them to move about the pond area. At times, the Swan had thought she would like to move to a different area, to do something different. She had seen some of the things the other animals did, and thought she'd like to give them a try. Perhaps she wanted to be like the Beaver, solving problems of flooding and drought by building beautiful dams. Maybe she wanted to try out digging like the Mole, who got to dig into interesting things, and was always finding something new and exciting to share with everyone. But everytime she tried, the Chicken was there, pecking at her until she was forced back into the water. After awhile, she found she didn't have much fight left in her to try and it was easier to stay in the pond and swim, as she had always done. After a while, the Chicken seemed to grow just as tired of pecking at the Swan as the Swan was of being pecked, but still the Chicken continued to peck anyway, so the Swan decided it was finally time to move on and find a new pond.

She knew of another large pond, about the same size as her pond, on the other side of the hill. She even knew some animals who had come from that pond to hers, and some who had gone from her pond to that one. She had visited it a couple of times, and though she knew that the pond was very similar to her current pond, in her eyes, it was far more appealing. The water seemed bluer, the grass greener, the air fresher. She had heard from some of these animals that the other pond also had a Chicken. Some animals didn't like the other Chicken, saying that he could be just as loud and irritating as the Swan's Chicken. But the Swan decided that it was worth it to try something new. After all, could a new Chicken possibly be any worse than her current Chicken? It seemed hard to imagine. Maybe that Chicken would at least let her out of the water once in a while so she could explore the area around the pond, as her current Chicken never had.

She told the Chicken that she would be leaving, and the Chicken seemed unconcerned. She made arrangements to move, but decided to stay at the old pond until the monthly clean-up week was done. Once a month, all the animals worked together (while the Chicken supervised) to clean up the area in and around the pond and put things back tidy again. The Swan felt that it was important for the animal friends she was leaving behind that she stay one last time and help them, particularly to the Golden Goose, who she knew would likely be the best swimmer left in the pond, and therefore take on more and more of the Chicken's attention. The Chicken liked the Golden Goose, but the Swan knew that even being liked by the Chicken was sometimes not easy to bear.

As the days of the monthly clean-up approached, however, the Chicken grew more and more agitated. News of other animals leaving the pond - for new ponds in various places and sizes - had spread and the Chicken was concerned about how the pond would stay clean with so few animals to help. And without anyone to supervise, there was a greater chance that the Chicken would have to do some of the clean-up work herself. So, unknown to the Swan, the Chicken spoke with the Swan's new Chicken. She told the new Chicken that, even though the Swan would be moving to the new pond after this month's clean-up, she wanted the Swan to return to her old pond for the following month's clean-up. The new Chicken, being a chicken as he was, agreed, telling the old Chicken that he wanted to make sure there was peace between their two ponds and that he would work to make sure that the Swan's move was seamless to them all. When the Swan found out about their discussion, she was indignant. How dare the Chickens discuss her comings and goings without her? It was the peck of all pecks, as if the old Chicken was trying to keep the Swan in her pond one last time. The old Chicken tried to make it all sound okay, even offering presents to the Swan in return for coming back. The Swan resisted. The presents sounded good, but her pride was worth more than even the finest lilly pad in the pond. She wanted to be rid of the pond that had become dirty and smelly and confining in her eyes. She wanted to spread her wings at the new pond and not look back. She would keep in touch with her animal friends from the old pond, that was to be sure. They had all already made arrangements to meet in the dairy barn just down the road from both ponds for cheese snacks at least once a month. She did not want to go back and sit in the old pond's murky water, but she wondered what would happen with the new Chicken if she refused. Would he turn into the same troublesome pest that the old Chicken had become for her? As she packed her things to leave the old pond, she pondered her choices. The Swan left for her new pond still undecided about whether or not to return to the old pond for the next month's clean-up week.

In the end, the Swan decided that she would offer support to her animal friends from the old pond for the following month's clean-up, but she would do it without actually getting in the water and without actually touching anything at the old pond - so as to not cross-contimanate the water from both ponds. She would allow them to send the messenger Pigeon to her at the new pond with questions as often as they liked. She would answer questions for the other animals about where to put things away and where to find the cleaning supplies. She would avoid her former Chicken as much as possible. And she would NOT allow the Chicken to peck her back into the murky water from which she had finally escaped. The Swan felt good about her decision - she would help, but on her own terms, not either of the Chickens'.

And she lived happily ever after.

Quotes - June

Here are some I've been storing up...

I hate that word as much as I hate "juxtaposition." - Jason Locke, replying to Pam's use of "verklepmt" (6/5/07)...but wait, there's more! That's the quote that was submitted for the list, but here is the rest of the conversation:

Find these and see what Sandra wants you to do with them. -
Pam (She was trying to send a note to a DIFFERENT Jason, and
'these' were documents referenced in an attached email)

Sure, I will get right on that. I think you meant to email someone
else. - Jason

Oops-wrong Jason! Sooooooo sorry! - Pam (cc: the OTHER
Jason)

Completed. - Other Jason

I must say, the other Jason is so much more obedient than you! - Pam (to the original Jason)

He must be a rookie. - Jason

ding ding ding ding ding! You've gotten so smart & cynical; makes
me proud ...sniff sniff... now I'm getting all verklempt again! - Pam
~~~~

He said, "I can feel you want me there by 8:30 instead of 9:00." - Client PM talking about technical resource...

I can FEEL you want me there…seriously? People don’t talk like that, and there’s a reason for that. It’s because it’s stupid. - Snotty & hard-to-work-with consultant (that's Elizabeth for the newbies) (6/19)


Oh for f**k’s sake. These NH people are just demons from Hell. - Jessica, regarding a client's rejection of deliverables based on grammatical errors (but really, does the exact sitation really matter?) (6/21)

Welcome!

Welcome to the St. Clarian Reference Guide. The members of St. Clarian are women who are current or former employees of St. Vincent Health, Clarian Health, or both. Occasionally, we also invite others to join us - especially Pam's daughter Serissa, and Cheri's kids, Andrew and Abby. After all, it takes a village...

Here you will find our running list of quotes that we've found especially profound or just incredibly funny (although sometimes, you just really had to be there to get the full impact...), and also terms that we've heard or invented to help us define and explain the world in which we work.

If you're here, it's because you're one of us, or you're liked well enough by one of us to get an invite. Don't you feel special!

Quotes - 2007 (Jan - April)

You’re like a warm fuzzy sweater in a sea of stuffed shirts. – Janine to Gary M. (2/2/07)

If that doesn’t prove to you that intelligence is not valued at Clarian, I don’t know what will. – Pam to Taunie re: Frank’s promotion to VP of Finance for downtown hospitals (2/2/07)

I'm not sure what surprised me more. Him getting promoted or his wife having sex with him 3 times. – Brian Hetz re: Frank’s promotion and the announcement noting his three children (2/2/07)

A memo sent out by human resources, which some workers received Wednesday, said Colts decorations are not to be placed in hallways, waiting rooms, public areas, elevators, work areas, nursing units, vehicles and patient-care areas. "Should you have a personal work area, you may exhibit some understated item(s) to show your support." – from Indy Star article (http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=200770201029) regarding Clarian’s limit on Colts decorations in the days before the Super Bowl (2/2/07)

Every once in awhile (OK, sometimes more often than that), a news story comes along to remind you how lucky you are to work for your current employer, and not your former employer. Thanks Indy Star for publishing this, and thanks Clarian for staying the same. – Spider Pam, responding to article in Indy Star (see above) (2/2/07)

Ed is a big hole. — CIBER employee in response to another CIBER employee asking where the big hole was in our project communications. "Ed" (not his real name) is the client project manager (3/1/07)

Do you know who Charles Barkley is? He’d like to be skinny, too. – Brian Hetz in response to Taunie’s request to see a process in a flow chart (3/2/07)

We are a stoic people. — CIBER client who shall remain unnamed explaining why they don’t want little buttons with the project logo on them, or anything fun included in the project’s change management program. (3/20/07)

Your printer is not being stolen, it is being creatively repositioned. – heard in a project meeting. The printer was actually taken from the person’s office and put in a training room. (4/04/07)

It must be good beer; it’s in the Bible! – Ciber Chuck referring to Guinness Beer. (4/04/07)

Dictionary - the beginning

Adminisphere – the rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve; examples:
· Checking adminispheric conditions
· A high adminispheric pressure system moving in
· Changing adminispheric conditions
· Storms happening high up in the adminisphere and their affect on the ground
· The air gets thinner the higher up you go in the adminisphere

Airported – state of being held in airport limbo; the airlines have you and won’t let you go until you cry “Uncle” or give up and rent a car

Batman Complex – the illness suffered by someone who attaches multiple devices (i.e. pager, cell phone, BlackBerry) to his or her waist, as if creating a personal utility belt (contributed by Tom Heldt)

Brian-ism – off-hand remark, curious analogy, or casual philosophy offered in the spirit of Brian Hetz (as in “Lunch is lunch, and night is night.” –Pam Clark; or, “I’m going to let that problem work itself out.” –Dilbert, upon finding an employee had passed away at his desk)

Dynamic – dumb; as in, “You are a really dynamic person, Stanley.”

ESC – stands for Executive Steering Committee, or Escape, as in “There’s no ESC from the ESC meeting without termination.”

Franch dressing – what happens when you mix French and Ranch dressings.

Frenish – combination of French and Spanish; as in, “Gracias, Mon Cherie.”

GNO Group – (Girls’ Night Out Group) women who are currently or formerly associated with Clarian Health (as employees, consultants, or friends of employees/consultants), who have been bonded by their shared (sometimes traumatic) Clarian experiences, meet for monthly nights out and random lunches as schedules permit, and stay in almost constant contact via e-mail from their various locations and employers around the country to trade stories, share support, and submit new list-worthy items for review

Got to! – answer for any question beginning with “Why…” (from Jackson, Pattie’s grandson)

Grood – better than good, but not quite great

Internal Oatess (aka Ed Emotus) – nickname for Adam Oatess, Internal Audit

Jim Beam Sagel – nickname for Jim Sagel; go out drinking with him once and you’ll know why

Jim Beam Sagel Company Picnic - what happens when management allows only one alcoholic drink per employee at the annual company picnic (see photo)

Lipstick on a Pig – the phrase that won’t go away, even referenced visually in articles about ERP systems

List-worthy – a term or quote that is deemed clever or funny, or especially appropriate to the situation by a member of the GNO Club, and worth recording for future reference

Nervous Nellie – nickname of bosses who are afraid to give their employees bad news for fear of crying, yelling, or any other form of freaking out

OTOBOS – “On Time, On Budget, On Scope. This definition of what makes a project successful misses out on quality, happy stakeholders, and a whole host of stuff, but it’s a good starting point” (from A Girl’s Guide to Project Management, http://www.pm4girls.co.uk/).

Pat – the mystery person who holds and reads e-mail between St. Vincent, CIBER, and Clarian, sending it on in random intervals and order from how it was originally sent. Will your time-sensitive lunch-related e-mail be delivered today or will your friends eat an entire bowl of white cheese before they realize you are missing? Only Pat knows for sure!

Shoe show – establishments that display models wearing nothing but shoes – so as not to distract from the beauty of the shoes, we’re sure; what Michele and Cheri got to see when they were kidnapped

Stackables – female companions of very short stature for a male who is very tall – and we’re just going to leave it at that

SWAD – System Working As Designed…or…System Without Appropriate Design – it’s just a matter of perspective (contributed by the Soarian project team at SVH)

TNS – Twisted Nursery School; aka Clarian

TNSnames file – mapping of the pupils at the Twisted Nursery School and their known aliases

Trick-or-Treater – someone who stops by a vendor booth just to get the freebies (from Bill Getty, sales big-wig at CIBER)

VD – vaginal discrimination (but vaginal is pronounced va-JI-nul); it’s what happens when women aren’t given opportunity to advance or are assumed less capable simply based on their lack of possession of a wee-wee

Verbal table pounding – the verbal equivalent of pounding your fists on the table and yelling at people about the impending Doom and Gloom of a project due to the incompetence of the colossally stupid

WWJD – no, not what you think! It stands for “Water Would be Just Dandy,” part of Stacy’s One-Step Program.